Beat Soup / Press / Bios Apr 7, 2000
 

Beat Soup Biographies
 
 
 
   
Full Name: Jonathan Jesus Jackson
Date of Birth:  4/2/65
Nicknames: John, Johnny, Jimmy, Joey, Bucky, AC, Drummer, Hey
Known Aliases: President Woodrow Wilson, Jahn Jockson
Achievements:
  • 1977, 3rd Place Cohassett Junior Miss Competition
  • 1978, 1st Place Cohassett ‘Mr. Quit Your Whining It Was an Honest Mistake’ Competition.
  • 1985 voted Cohassett High ‘Most Likely to be a Drummer’
Hobbies:
  • Staring at women and making them feel uncomfortable
  • Sleeping
  • Eating
Summary: Johnny has been a member of Beat Soup for what seems like an eternity but which according to the calendar is apparently only 4 years (huh huh…he said ‘member’). John is an inspiration to all of us who try really hard but, well…you know. John’s drumming style has been described as both ‘loud’ and ‘well meaning’. He’d like to eventually turn his Beat Soup success into a film career or perhaps a more mundane, realistic, drone type of job with decent benefits

 

 
 
   
Full Name: Daniel Contagious Cuetara
Date of Birth:  4/2/65
Nicknames: Dan, Danny, Dandy, Dusty, Eric
Known Aliases: Che Guitarra, Dan of Iniquity
Achievements:
  • 1945, won first place in the Cambridge, MA Existentialist Society’s ‘Essence of Nothingness’ competition for his portrayal of a human being that doesn’t exist.
  • 1978, 2nd Place in same competition – edged out by Liam McNaulty who truly did not exist at that point
  • 1998 Boston Music Awards ‘Best Performance in Drag’
Hobbies:
  • Lighting things on fire
  • Plotting and Scheming
  • Woodworking
Summary: Dan has been in Beat Soup longer than anyone else, although some would claim this is due to trickery. The truth of the matter is that Tom was in a band prior to Beat Soup that Dan ended up joining after the fact. Then one day Dan said "I call we change our name to Beat Soup and I’m the first person in the band". Unfortunately Tom fell for this and thus lost the Soup Longevity crown on a technicality. But enough about that – this is Dan’s bio and the fact of the matter is that he DOES have the title. No matter how low he might have sunk to get it, you have to at least admire his willingness to win at all cost and stomp on anyone who tries to get in his way.

 

Full Name: John Cactus Deane
Date of Birth:  4/2/65
Nicknames: John, Jon, Jean, Jawn, Lawn (‘L’ pronounced like ‘J’)
Known Aliases: (Military Classified)
Achievements:
  • 1985, won free ticket in Mass Daily Lottery game
  • 1997 Achieved Total Consciousness
  • 1998 First Place in the ‘Be the Best John Deane You can be Today’ contest
Hobbies:
  • Disrobing in front of mirrors
  • Faking Injury
  • Anything involving velcro
Summary: John is the newest member of Soup (except for Art who joined after him). John brings a distinctive and pleasant trumpet sound to every Beat Soup show. Unfortunately, he usually leaves it in his car and has to make do without it. His lifelong goal was to be the tallest member of a band, and now that he has achieved it he tends to drift through life aimlessly and without purpose. When asked what his plans for the future were, he replied "To beat the crap out of you, you little wise-ass punk". There’s a potential gold-mine here for any of you anger management specialists out there!

 

 
   
Full Name: Karl Erroneous Schneider
Date of Birth:  4/2/65
Nicknames: Slider, Bones, Herr Schneider, Gimp
Known Aliases: ‘Zoltan from the Planet Amular - And I have to say that you’re the most beautiful creature I’ve laid eyes on in 20 light years. Can I buy you a drink?’
Achievements:
  • 1989 Named, ‘Prettiest Face’, Cellblock E Cedar Junction
  • Nov. 15th, 1996, 8AM to 1PM: Sobriety
  • Nov 15th, 1996, 10PM: The Nobel Peace Prize in ‘What the Hell are YOU looking AT?!’
Hobbies:
  • Saying "I’m not drinking tonight" and then drinking.
  • Naming inanimate objects which are lying around his appartment . (i.e. ‘Steve the Pizza Box’)
  • Giggling
Summary: Karl has been a member of Beat Soup longer than some other people. His attention to detail, his focus, and his overall personality don’t outweigh the positives that he brings to the table. Ask any member of Soup and they will tell you straight up that without Karl, there would be one less person in the band. Along with music, Karl is an avid fan of anthropology. This interest was sparked when a music critic noted "Had Mr. Darwin had the opportunity to observe Schneider’s stage antics, he may have reconsidered his theory".

 

 
   
Full Name: Robin Heather Haynes
Date of Birth:  4/2/65
Nicknames: 'The Musician’, Teacher, ‘Little Miss Know it all…Little Miss "Karl – your flat"…oh yeah, well I’ll show you who’s flat – I’ll…hey – why are you writing this?"
Known Aliases: "I don’t need an alias. Do you think I need an alias?! I’m not paranoid!"
Achievements:
  • 1998; Used, like, some advanced musical term at rehearsal that no one ever heard before. It was really cool and stuff.
  • Oct. 13th, 1999: Replied to a band e-mail and actually answered a question that someone had asked!
  • 1998: Became the first person in Soup to actually get hit on by a woman. D’OH!
Hobbies:
  • Cooking, Housekeeping, other gross girly stuff
  • Volunteering at animal shelters (only fuzzy, cute animals)
  • Teaching and nurturing, because she believes that children are our future.
Summary: We are extremely fortunate to have someone as talented as Robin in our band, and she never misses an opportunity to remind us all of that fact. An elementary school music teacher in real life, Robin truly enjoys working with children. "The children are often times unruly and disruptive, but you can’t get too upset about it. You have to consider their maturity levels and above all you really need to remain patient at all times. By the time my day with them is through, though, I’m grateful to get back to the elementary school. At least there I can just send them to the principal’s office".

 

 
   
Full Name: Art Nouveau Cohen
Date of Birth:  4/2/65
Nicknames: Scratchie; Mr. Cohen, Sir
Known Aliases: ‘Look – I’m working on an alias, but I’m begging you – PLEASE don’t tell anyone I’m in this band’
Achievements:
  • 1999; Became 179th consecutive caucasian member of Beat Soup
  • 1999; Understood one of those ‘music’ terms that Robin uses
  • 1982: Negotiated a settlement to the 234 day long Aluminum Foil Workers’s strike. Art masterfully brought management together with union leaders and hammered out a compromise agreement to the highly charged dispute. His ability to eliminate the emotional element on both sides and bring focus to the issues themselves won praise throughout the world.
Hobbies:
  • Muttering under his breath
  • Attempting to not be seen
  • Taunting foreigners
Summary: You could say Art is the most recent recruit to the Soup ranks, signing up in October when previous bass player Dave Alexander left the band. But Art is actually a grizzled veteran of the Boston Ska scene, having played in well known bands such as Ska’d for Life, Steady Earnest, and the Agitators. Hmmm…that’s interesting when you think about it. Ska’d for Life, then Steady Earnest, then the Agitators, and now Beat Soup. I’ve had this recurring dream lately where I get on an escalator, and I think it is going up, but then it starts going down and I can’t get off it…anyway – back to Art. We are very fortunate and grateful (and blah blah blah – all that same suck-up stuff we said about Robin).

 

 
   
Full Name: Thomas Salvatore Healey
Date of Birth:  4/2/65
Nicknames: Tom, Tommy, Whoa Baby, The Wiz, Number Two, Mr. Bossy-boots
Known Aliases: Sir Thomas Whizboy
Achievements:
  • 1987, Elected President of his 3rd grade class, platform includes repeal of Gym, and fluffier mats for nap time.
  • 1989, Actually joining a band with promises that he would bring beer and snacks "forever".
  • 1999, First facial hair.
Hobbies:
  • "Lovin' and leavin'em"
  • Thinking "outside the bottle"
  • Kissing up to "The Man"
Summary: Thomas is our fearless Leader - just ask him, "that's right, I'm the big Kahuna, the top dog, the alpha male, now get out of my way, I'm READY TO ROCK!" Ask Thomas what he does for a living and he will tell you that he processes Input or Inputs processes or something to do with numbers but in reality he is a spy for the former Soviet Union. Oddly he has not recently received his paycheck and calls to headquarters now require odd amounts of change that he never seems to have on him.