Local Ska Band
Jailed in NH Melee

The seven band members were arrested Saturday on charges ranging from disorderly conduct to genocide after the picnic they were playing erupted into an alleged "anarcho-syndicalist revolution".

"These folks is bad eggs," said Sherriff Gordon G. Humphries, "they is hepped up city-types come to spread their backwards skank music to our right thinking, gun-toting, freedom loving citizens. We're doing them a favor giving them a taste of the hellfire that awaits them."

The picnic itself began uneventfully. Midway through their second set the generator the band had rented for the event broke down leaving the band "unplugged". Revelers began pelting the band with garbage and beer bottles. Trumpet player John Deane, who is rumored to have some military experience, immediately took charge of the worsening situation. Drawing on his vast tactical expertise Deane rallied the band to "Run and hide!"

After attempting to restore order with gentle admonitions and a perfunctory reading of the Riot Act, Sheriff Humphries fired a warning shot into the cranium of Drummer Johnny Jackson. "He did? I didn't notice...cool!" said Jackson. The bullet lodged in Jackson's cerebral cortex joining other foreign objects including a toothbrush, a woman's earring, and a 1965 silver dollar, according to doctors at the prison infirmary. "These AK 47s is swEEt," said Sheriff Humphries, "I hope we get some more riots real soon."

Saxophonist Robin Haynes was released on her own recognizance after it was discovered that rather than being a "long haired freaky pansy-boy" she was, instead, a woman. However she was rearrested when it was discovered that the large black case she was carrying did not contain the semiautomatic weapon authorities had assumed but instead contained "some sort of musical instrument, all bent up and wacky". She was charged with vagrancy and carrying a concealed 'something'.

"Prison isn't so bad. Lots of cigarettes, and the best drugs around. I'm not too wild about the sodomy, but I suppose you get used to anything." said band philosopher Dan Cuetara.

"I want to go home, I want to go home now, I'm not one of them, I don't even know them," said singer Tom Healey, after the band unanimously voted him "Band Commissar" as part of a plea bargain. "Someone's got to take the fall, and this 'lil fella here'll do jest fine," said Judge Quentin Knox of the Third District Court, "It's sad to see these kids in jail but if a few innocents have to suffer to maintain the peace, the I say kill the lot of them."