| Beat Soup / Press / Old News / Stalking For Dummies | Jan 14, 1999 |
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Beginners Guide to Stalking your Favorite Beat Soup Star |
1) A good Stalker-Stalkee relationship should be
cultivated over time. Don't be an immediate turn-off to
your favorite Beat Soup Mega Rock Star. The fun comes
when the star (or starlet) goes from feeling flattered by
a sane, complimentary email to feeling terrified by
several not-so-sane and somewhat angry phone calls. 2) Don't be wishy-washy in praise of your intended stalkee. Anyone can say things like "I really love you guys" or "Great show last night". If you want to stand apart, you need a stronger approach. Try something like "I was watching every single move you made last night; my favorite was when you went to your refrigerator and poured yourself a glass of milk. By the way, when is your band playing again?" 3) Don't ever use your real name when stalking. Try putting yourself in the shoes of a mentally stable person: if someone were stalking you and they used their real name, you as a mentally stable person would have the ability to use logic and common sense in order to forward that information on to the authorities. Think about it. 4) A house visit to your favorite Soup Star is not advised unless the voices in your head absolutely insist. 5) Should your stalkee gently suggest that you "take a break" in the relationship, you may want to gently remind him/her that your marriage is far too important to take a break and it makes you very angry that he/she would throw it all away after everything you've been through together. Bonus points if you can seamlessly throw in a few nervous twitches while delivering this speech. 6) In some cases, tip #4 may cause your stalkee to seem a bit "distant" (temporarily). This can be easily cured by repeatedly calling your stalkee and hanging up when he/she answers the phone (if you don't give them the opportunity to talk, they can't seem distant anymore, right?). 7) Many stalkers ask "What exactly is a restraining order?" Restraining orders do receive alot of negative publicity after all. Don't get down on yourself if you become the subject of one. Instead, look at it as a sign that your stalkee has sat up and taken notice of you. Let's face it - there are alot of stalkers out there, but how many of them ever rise to the top? Follow all these tips and soon you'll be on your way to a rewarding, lifelong relationship with a celebrity. |
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-- Sir Thomas Whizboy |